today in 'things better left unsaid-the swine flu officedemic'

i really don't have a filter. and i don't give a shit, but at the same time, i can admit when i probably should have just been quiet. well…i can admit it sometimes. i was in the elevator at work with a few other women, and this bitch with a stroller walks into the lobby. i am hoping that someone will push the button to close the doors. instead, someone throws a leg out and yells, "oh, a baby”!! i wish that was an exaggeration. unfortunately it was just a terrible display of this 30 something's desperation to have a child, be near a child, smother a child with her cooing and reflect on why she is alone and hasn't yet procreated. so i am like…fuck. i backed myself into the corner of the elevator while the door is held for this apparent miracle creature. in rolls the baby, and all of the estrogen ridden monsters are immediately hunched over him. the top of the stroller is closed, and there is literally like a 4x4 inch window through which we can see the sleeping child. so i am like…leave him the fuck alone. maybe he doesn't want to be bothered. maybe his mama has him trapped so you all can't blow your hot breath in his face. i am amazed that babies’ first sentences aren’t, “get the fuck out of my face”. but while everyone is chatting it up about how cute he is and how curly his hair is and how much he’s, um, asleep, i say, "hey there…i see your mama has you in a little bubble. you aren't going to get the swine flu are you? no!"

one girl laughed, but she looked hungover and slutty--the type who probably just downed plan b with her morning coffee. the rest of the bitches gasped and dropped their jaws, staring at me like i just told them that the baby would be better off in a dumpster. when we got off the elevator one of the girls was like, “i can’t believe you said that!” i mean, was it that bad? is the baby now destined to get the swine flu? do people lack the ability to chill the fuck out? for fuck’s sake it’s not that serious.

to make matters worse, the mom just happened to be coming to show off her fat little jewel to someone in my area of the building…so i got to be within earshot when the baby was woken from his slumber and started squealing like a pig. seriously…he was growin hooves. Looks like it was too late for the efforts of a bubble stroller.

we can always blame the children.